Are You With Me?
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8
A little over two years ago, on the night of August 7th, 2018, I decided that I would be willing to produce What is Written. It had been in my heart for some time, and it was finally time to yield to the call. But before I get too far, here’s a backstory:
Earlier that summer, I began a new job at a prestigious research institution. About three months prior to that, I graduated with my master’s in public health, a booming field laced with passion, opportunity, and accolades. My graduate thesis was underway to be published in a peer-reviewed journal, and I felt the weight of six years of intensive training finally seeming to pay off.
If you were to ask for a percentage of how excited I was for my future, I would have told you 30% at the time.
Not what you were thinking, right?
Growing up, I was pretty well-acquainted with success, at least by societal standards. Coming from a single parent home, being a female, being a Black female, and having taken every golden opportunity that seemed to come my way, I had ‘beat the odds’. People who didn’t know me very well would have estimated that I, Rakiyah Simone, ‘had it all together’. I came from a wonderful Christian home, undeniably. My faith was everything to me, and everyone heard a word about it when it was up to me.
Okay, now for the 70% –
I. Was. Fearful.
A Glass Half Empty
How many words do we really need to tell someone that we’re afraid? When I gave myself the time to process and assess my truth, no words were needed to describe the depth of fear that I had in my heart, honestly speaking, for my entire life. Having my relationship with God, I often felt guilty and plagued by the truth that I hid from others, and what I assumed I had hidden from the creator of the universe.
“If you can just say the right things, be in the right places, use your words correctly, and listen to what others have to say, somehow, things will work out for you.” - my personal motto
As much “success” as I had seen, I also knew my fair share of disbelief, sadness, and fear that often morphed into anxiety, sadness, and worry - ultimately leading to paralysis of emotion, mind, and will. Some of the sources came from issues in childhood, disappointment and discouragement from current realities, things that I assumed would never come to light to be dealt with or erased. But after some time in this cycle, I realized fear could never go together with faith, not if I was going to be free. Not if I was going to be hopeful.
No matter how many costumes, layers of make-up, number of degrees, or connections I had, fear only kept me from the truth of God and the essence of His entirety.
There is a story in the Bible that I had no idea I connected with until I cracked open the book of Judges, chapter 6. To run it by you, a man named Gideon received word that he was going to lead Israel to victory over the Midianites, a brutal and oppressive people who captured, enslaved, and utterly destroyed Israel, leaving them without power or direction (Judges 6:1-6). They cried out to God to free them.
When God chose Gideon, he responded by:
Repeating the facts of the Israelite’s seemingly hopeless condition (Judges 6:13)
Doubt of God’s sovereignty in choosing him (Judges 6:15)
A lack of faith in God’s presence (Judges 6:17)
Each time Gideon responded to God for the task ahead of him, he really showed what his heart disposition toward God was. He was fearful, doubtful, and unbelieving. He looked inwardly for the power to sustain him through rather than acknowledging who was with him and able to carry him through. In all His grace and love, God responded to Gideon with purpose, provision, and promise.
‘When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”’ (Judges 6:12)
‘The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”’ (Judges 6:14)
‘The Lord answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving nonalive.”’ (Judges 6:16)
In the end, Gideon defeated the entire Midianite army and the Israelites were freed, just being guided by the Word of God.
Broken glass
More often than not, I’ve found that people can come into contact with hardship, strife, confusion, THEMSELVES, or any other unpleasant thing that we could name in order to be transformed into who God destined them to be. My story is no different.
With all my fear, I sensed the spirit of God revealing that I had to take my life back. He had given it to me, after all. It was time for a change, and I planned to write my way through it. On the night of August 7th, I began my very first entry that would not be published for over another two years.
On my way to work the next day, 12 hours after I began to face my fear and write What is Written, I was hit head-on by a Corvette going just under 45 mph.
The driver missed the stop sign, hit a woman moving in the opposite direction who was then hurled into a pole and trapped in her car, and I was subsequently hit just at the right place at the right time.
On August 8th, everything changed.
Fast forward 2.5 years (in no particular order):
A car accident and legal battles
Relationship break-ups and fewer associates
Apartment flood and relocation
Unemployment
Financial hurdles
A long period of isolation and lots of time to think about the past and the future
An invitation to confront issues from childhood
The reality that disappointment and deferred dreams are purposeful
A surprise diagnosis and a million-n-one lifestyle modifications
A calling to launch a business and an accompanying identity reformation
How, Sway? That’s not the easy-to-read, happy ending we were wanting. But truth be told, it’s a much more provocative and honest reality. Here’s why:
In the Bible, God may use uncanny circumstances and “bad luck” to get His people to turn to Him. Moses left the palace (deception of comfort). Joseph was sold into slavery (betrayal). Naomi’s husband died (tragedy), and so did Ruth’s (double tragedy). Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden because they couldn’t pay rent (sin). Lazarus died (reality). Jesus wept, was betrayed, and hung on the cross (pain of purpose).
It may sound cliché to simply state that our negative experiences give birth to positive ones, and there’s purpose in our pain. But breathe and stay there with me for a little while.
I’ve had to ask myself through all of this, and now, when any seemingly negative things come my way -
what is God’s purpose in this, and should I really be fearful of these things?
To be fully transparent, going through the list above nearly broke me. Actually, the list did break me into various agonizing shatters. All the things listed brought me to my knees, and I was petrified. I was afraid, not just because of my circumstances, but because I knew that I would have to give up control to fight my way and face my fear for what it was. In other words, I would have to face the monster under my bed that I allowed to keep me from having God’s spirit and the gift of His presence.
The Holy Spirit gave me an ultimatum, the defining question of our relationship –
“Rakiyah, are you going to trust me, or aren’t you?”
Are you with me?
Notice there, He didn’t give me room for explanation. And He never questioned His own presence in my life – it was a yes or no question, with the choice to affirm or decline, for me to acknowledge Him. Move forward with God, even when I am fearful.
I answered “yes”, and not because everything was falling into place.
You see, when I wrote this piece (on and off over 2 years), I still had so many questions about the future. My circumstances were changing for the better, and sometimes for the worst, but He still needed my faith because He was always able, willing, and close-by me.
The only difference with this “yes” that’s different than any other “yes” is that my future depended on it. Sometimes in life, there are defining moments where God chooses to prove that He will never leave or forsake us. We’re not in it alone. He just needs a yes from us.
It’s the yes of intentionality. The yes of obedience and truth. It is the yes that you think you have behind your back that God sees anyway. It’s the yes you’re afraid to give, and the yes you’ve been dreaming of giving. It’s the yes that defines you as His own, the yes that will unlock doors and ways unimaginable. It is the yes of all yeses. It is the yes that erases what was and frees you from your past for the calling in your future.
I am so excited to give to you all, through writing, and other creative ways, the truth of our God through the lens of faith. It’s a chance to challenge your own perspective, and a way to value what seems invaluable. I can’t wait to prayerfully inspire others, as God inspires, to dream beyond what we can see and to walk out faith knowing that all things are used for His glory, even our pain and misfortune. Even our fear.
My prayer for you and for myself is that through this season, we can grow to realize that our God is bigger and able to reinvent our brokenness into the most beautiful tapestry that we’ve ever seen… the scraps of fabric that were considered unusable are really the keys to His kingdom. He has a plan for it all.
I hope you are as excited as I am for what’s to come. Since He’s in it, it will be all that it needs to be!